1. Hire speech coach to eliminate grating, whiny, brain-numbing monotone
2. Hire a writer to write Tweets so they don’t sound so, umm, vapid? Shallow? Self-involved?
3. Read more. (QuickTrim bottle labels don’t count)
4. Look up real definition of marriage
5. Screen future ex-husband candidates more carefully
6. If that fails, make sure to explain it’s a fake marriage
7. Try to make next fake marriage last at least a year
8. No more Miami butt enhancements using industrial cement and Fix-a-Flat
9. Learn to be really klassy… like the cast of Jersey Shore
10. Stop appearing in public for five years to give humanity a break
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