Real Housewives of Miami: 1st Episode Preview Review!

 

I just watched the one-hour sneak preview of the premiere episode of the “Real Housewives of Miami” Season 2 and I’m ecstatic. Just when I thought RHONJ’s Teresa Giudice’s Dumpster-size insanity/rage could not be surpassed, I was wrong. Although this is only the beginning, I can see the crazy brewing like when you hear distant thunder. You know the storm is coming. This episode will air on Bravo with an additional 15 minutes tacked on, Thursday, September 13 at 9:00 p.m.

I hope Bravo provided the ladies with riot gear before taping began. You know: helmet, body armor, high-powered rifle. This is only the season opener and the attacks have begun. Don’t know if it’s ego-fueled false confidence or just plain stupidity. Or both. (Have they not watched the other reality shows? They can hear you!)

Compared to the first season, which had all the excitement of nail polish drying and the focus of a squirrel on meth, this season — produced by the TV hit-making machine, Purveyors of Pop (“Bethenny Ever After” and more) — seems to have all the elements we love in reality TV. The juicy horror of watching others make huge asses of themselves in public, loudly, while wearing designer clothing.

Even the show intro was revamped. Last year, the women held champagne flutes instead of fruit to try to “represent Miami.” (The orange was already taken by the “Real Housewives of Orange County,” holding bags of coke isn’t legal or politically correct and holding a breast implant would be confusing.) The flutes were exchanged for glasses of Mojitos. (A highly overrated drink. I’m Cuban. I can say that.)

Last year, the ladies wore the “Bravo closet” standard issue, satin, jewel-tone cocktail dresses. Now they’re resplendent in all white (because you know that in Miami, everyone who lives here can only wear white. It’s a state law).

Now, on to the action. Right out of the gate we see one of the four new cast members, attorney and cookbook author Ana Quincoces and the fabulous dynamic between her two college age daughters and her now ex-husband (and father of the girls) attorney Robert Rodriguez. (Watch for their witty banter.) She’s feisty and sharp and from where I sit, she’s not taking any crap from anyone.

Speaking of anyone, other new cast member, dentist Karent Sierra shows off her supposed boyfriend, telenovela actor Rodolfo Jimenez. (Watch for that plot line… is he or isn’t he? I’ve been hearing rumors for months.) Sierra takes a couple of nasty swipes at Ana Quincoces because of the boyfriend. I was very surprised because Sierra came off as smiley and sugary-sweet the handful of times I’ve spoken to her at events in Miami. Meee-ow.

Model and former “Dancing With the Stars” contestant, Joanna Krupa (also new to the group) shows her chutzpah by smacking down “Ocean Drive” magazine during a photo shoot where she feels the magazine allegedly tricked her out of a cover photo. Krupa has promise. She admitted she sometimes drinks too much. She could be the “No-Filter-Ramona-Singer” of Miami. Krupa has also been engaged to Mynt Lounge owner Romain Zago for several years. From what I saw in a few fleeting moments, the guy is a royal tool. (Joanna, you can do better, gurl.) Watch that relationship train wreck slo-mo off a cliff.

Delicious twist: Lisa Hochstein (the fourth new housewife) and husband, self-titled “Boob God” plastic surgeon Lenny Hochstein, buy a mammoth manse two doors down from Lea and Roy Blacks’ new house on Star Island; a house that Lea Black had been coveting. Watch for spectacular fireworks there… and I don’t mean ones coming from a barge on the water. Lea already declared war on Lisa by completely ignoring her and walking away when they were first introduced. Tsk, tsk. Now that’s not very neighborly, is it? (The outspoken Lisa also shows great promise vying for the title of Miami’s No-Filter-Ramona-Singer.)

Back from the first season is Brazilian art dealer Adriana de Moura. She is still engaged and now living with fiancé Fredric Marc. They seem very happy together. On this first episode, Adriana shockingly remains neutral, with all the drama exploding around her. Ok, no yawning. My sources tell me she quickly gathers speed as the season progresses and tangles with Krupa. Cage match anyone?

According to Bravo, Alexia Echevarria will have “limited participation” and is not officially a RHOM, but I’m wondering how limited, since she was in a several scenes in this episode. My sources close to the production tell me she also tangles with dentist Sierra. Double meeeow and add a hiss.

Fan favorite, Mama Elsa Patton returns and is a hilarious scene-stealer as usual. When her little dog goes missing for a day, she says he tried to commit suicide, “he took a Xanax and hid in the closet!”

PR queen Marysol Patton delves into her personal life revealing much more about herself this time and we discover that her relationship with Lea Black took a very ugly turn since last year’s Blacks’ charity gala. My sources tell me there’s much more to come on that one. Apparently, Lea is loaded for bear and the little cub in the fabulous Lanvin dress is Marysol Patton. I’ll be polling weekly on Twitter and Facebook, so pick your favorites!

Well, my dear Sofalizers! Game ON! In the Olympics of Reality TV, I predict the new “Real Housewives of Miami” season will medal in every precedent-setting category established by the top wing nuts in the reality show Hall of Shame. Yeah!

 

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