Real Housewives of Miami: Slap Heard Round the World

From the first moment the promos started airing for this new season of the Real Housewives of Miami we all saw the “slap heard round the world:” Adriana de Moura slapping Joanna Krupa after Joanna chases her down at a posh party.

Last Sunday we finally saw the before, during and aftermath of the slap! For you, dear readers, I’ve gone over this tape back and forth with the dedication perhaps only surpassed by the FBI going over the Zapruder film of Kennedy’s assassination.

Let’s review some of the highlights of the last two episodes of RHOM which were aired as a two-parter last Thursday and Sunday nights.

In one scene, Adriana de Moura is incensed with a Miami Herald article where Karent Sierra appears to diss all the other housewives as fame addicts with Botox for brains and have no class. And no, dear readers, I didn’t write it, my good pal and fellow (real) journalist Lesley Abravanel wrote it back in March. Mucho more to come on this.

Lisa Hochstein plans a lingerie party as a breast cancer fundraiser at her fabulous Miami Beach home. Lea Black brings a guest to the party. Who’s the guest? Joe Francis, notorious for being the founder of the “Girls Gone Wild” video empire. Between sips of champagne, ever the gracious gent, Joe blurts out to the group that he slept with both – not one – but both – Krupa sisters back in the day, when Joanna supposedly hosted one of his videos. Karent hears this so of course, she runs over to Joanna and Marta and in front of Romain Zago tells them what Francis said! Not kidding. In front of Romain.

Cut to: Marysol Patton walking innocently into the lingerie party wearing an antique nightgown and short marabou feather wrap – not fur – that belonged to her grandmother (we know this because she and Mama Elsa discussed it in the previous scene). Karent, apparently not satisfied with dousing gasoline on the Romain/Joanna fire, darts over to start another fire and chastises Marysol for “wearing fur” because Joanna saw her out on the pool terrace and immediately started yapping about how dare Marysol wear fur.

Joanna has stated (over and over and over…. and over, beyond ad nauseum) that she is a staunch PETA (People for Ethical Treatment of Animals) supporter. But it’s always a good idea, that if anyone is going to be annoyingly militant about a cause, then they should get their facts straight. Marabou is feathers not fur. It’s made of the small, fluffy underfeathers of turkeys or chickens. Furthermore, the party was not a PETA anti-fur rally or a PETA fundraiser nor was it held at PETA headquarters nor at Joanna’s private home. On what narcissistic planet does Joanna live that she believes that everyone must be beholden to her cause, that she shoves down everyone’s throats incessantly, and one must plan an evening’s outfit being very careful to not ruffle her feathers? (Sorry… couldn’t resist.)

Now, the audience begins to also see the real deal of Karent’s arsonist personality, which she doggedly tries to obscure behind her omnipresent smile. Karent further feeds the fur/feather fire by telling her friend Beau Beasley about the “fur debacle” with Marysol.

Other plot: Beau Beasley is angry because he says Lea Black snubbed him at another party and Beau adds, “if Lea didn’t have her husband she’d be nothing” and that she’s “so fake.”

Since apparently Joanna thinks the show is called “Real Joannas of Miami,” she continues her diatribe about how these women don’t know how passionate she is about animals and that they’re “effing with the wrong person!”

I hate to break the news to Joanna but this was not some intricate plot! Does she really think that Marysol planned her outfit that night with the intent to “f-ck her up” as she so elegantly put it? And why not pick on Lea too, who was wrapped in an enormous feather boa? Hilarious line: Joanna saying, “they will burn in hell for eternity!” As her beleaguered sister, Marta, looked down at the ground, dismayed, her soul crushed once again.

(Hmm.. then why does Joanna wear leather designer shoes and handbags in every episode? Oh.. that must be some PETA loophole.) Lordy, lord. Someone shut her up already. Do something… anything! How can someone talk about being “classy” when she’s making a scene in someone’s home at a breast cancer fundraiser. Now that’s class with a capital K.

Romain then says he can’t be with Joanna if she’s like that when she drinks. She could care less and continues to whine about “that bitch Marysol wearing fur!” While Romain keeps telling to please relax. (Romain, by the way, you’re not longer a tool.)

Marysol and Adriana talk about the article and Marysol agrees “it pissed me off” adding that she knows the journalist (Lesley) and she does not write BS.

Then, James Davis (aka drag queen Elaine Lancaster) defends BFF Lea Black, after Beau Beasley yells at Lea because she supposedly walked past him at an event as if he didn’t exist. They yell at and slap at each other … then in that great tradition from Dynasty, James pushes Beau in the pool. Too bad he didn’t push Joanna in the pool right then.

Tiny Lisa Hochstein is between these two guys trying to break it up when in the heat of the moment, Beau slaps the phone out of her hand and Lea scolds James for overreacting. Lisa’s phone is splashed with water so Karent – here we go again – runs for the kitchen to put it in rice to dry out.

The cast of characters immediately congregates in Lisa’s kitchen, I’m sure to check on the condition of her phone. Adriana pulls Karent aside quietly to finish their conversation about the Miami Herald article and to “clear the air” about what Karent supposedly said. Lisa gives everyone shots of tequila or something… maybe not a great idea considering the mayhem that swirled about, but hey, shots are a staple of reality shows aren’t they?

In the midst of this, we see Joanna eating a banana. Yes. A banana. Then she blasts over to where Adriana and Karent are talking quietly and in serious fighting mode asks them both “what’s going on here? I don’t like this energy!” Adriana then tells Joanna to “move off” or it sounds like “butt off?”

Butt off sounds better actually and rightfully so because, hello? The discussion had nothing, nada to do with Narcissa (Joanna). Joanna persists, asking over and over,“what is this about?” Then adds to Adriana that she doesn’t like Karent being bullied. Who is this, Karent’s mommy, hired gun or plain ol’ camera hog?

Romain walks over to try to calm things down as Adriana says to Joanna she’s butting into a problem that’s not hers. Very true. Joanna keeps poking and poking at Adriana and escalates the discussion into an all-out screaming match. I’ll spare you those details. But think chimps screeching, air horns and car alarms all at once.

Joanna starts attacking Adriana asking “what have you done” (professionally maybe?) and calls Adriana a whore. Now really, was that necessary? Romain again tries to stop Joanna and at that point, Adriana walks out of the kitchen. Romain keeps insisting with Joanna to stop and to be respectful of Lisa’s home. And what does Narcissa/Joanna do? She tells her fiancé to “move the f-ck over right now!” He quietly says, “I’m leaving.” Well done Romain!

Adriana walks back into the kitchen and Joanna keeps screaming at Adriana still trying to jab her finger in Adriana’s face through the people around her who were restraining her. Sister Marta tries to calm her down and takes Joanna’s face in her hands. So what does a loving sister do? She roughly shoves Marta away while screaming “don’t touch me!” So, this is what she does to her sister, you won’t be surprised with the next scene.

As soon as Adriana runs out of the kitchen, Joanna wrenches free from everyone holding her back (and who is the guy in the white bathrobe holding a broom?) and while still screaming at Adriana, chases her down the hall and grabs her from behind as she’s still  fleeing from Joanna. We see Joanna’s back as she grabs Adriana, then Adriana as she turns and slaps Joanna.

I’m not in favor of any sort of violence but people have limits and Adriana said she was not proud of her actions. But we all have eyes and anyone who saw the action unfold saw that people can be pushed into unattractive behavior.

Actually, James should have pushed Joanna in the pool. That would have solved an entire evening of annoyances. Stay tuned for more RHOM on Thursday night!



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