EPISODE 3 – Here’s the thing. I’ve been back in Miami since 1995 and have been covering Miami society for over 16 years. Unlike anyone else writing about the Real Housewives of Miami on websites all around the country, the fact that I live here and cover society closely gives me unparalleled insider knowledge into the Miami scene and the Miami housewives. A front row seat to the runway — or is it runaway — show that is the RHOM.
Think of me as a sports commentator who delivers the play by play on the field and calls the action as it happens. One week the quarterback is a star, the next, he’s a flaming a—hole because he loses the game. I’ll only be reacting and writing about the highlights. I’ll jump on what jumps out at me – good and bad – because I know most of these ladies and if I don’t know them well, I know people who know them. (Note to social climbers or possible future Real Housewives: be really nice to everyone who performs services for you or who works for you… Pedicures. Alterations. Doing your weave. Selling you fake designer bags. An intern or “lowly assistant” in your business whom you mistreat. You behave badly, they seethe, I get an email. Of course, I check out and confirm every tip with other sources and those that don’t pan out I discard.)
I will not be writing a scene-by-scene recap because there are way too many other websites who do that and do it very well. Plus, I have other stuff to write about. This particular episode took up a lot of investigative time and effort. People, I am exhausted.
EPISODE 3 MYNT MELTDOWN
JOANNA & MARTA
Joanna Krupa’s sister Marta lives with her and Romain in an apartment. Too close for comfort. Can you feel the weird vibe? Marta is always complaining about how horrible and mean Romain is to her. Either Marta has a crush on Romain or Romain has a “forbidden” thing for Marta. Whatever it is, it’s icky and Marta needs to get the hell out of her sister’s apartment and out of her shadow so she can live her own life. And for the good of all of us listening, they both need to stop that high-pitched screeching.
KARENT & RODOLFO
Skype call between Karent Sierra and Rodolfo Jimenez. Funny thing. Rodolfo is supposed to be this great actor, yet as I watch, he can’t even act like he’s in love with Karent. This is awful! He is awful. Karent goes on to tell him he has “this charisma that all these women are falling in love with him”… Blecch. Who are “all these women?” Inmates? Please. His super-duper romantic way of ending the long distance Skype conversation? Telling Karent he’s always dreamed about having a “harem” (then mispronounces it by putting emphasis on the last syllable: ha-RUM.) And Karent? Still smiling that crazy smile. (Or is she hard of hearing?) Threw up in my mouth a little. Someone needs to kick Robarfo’s sorry, disrespectful ass. That will be his happy ending… but not the one he was hoping for.
LISA & DAYSY
Lisa Hochstein goes out to bask in the sun on her pool terrace and housekeeper Daysy brings her a beverage perfect for the middle of the day in the hot sun. Double-shot of vodka and Red Bull. This Daysy is no fool. She’s getting free plastic surgery. “You are dee preencess of dee house, Mees Leesa.” I hope Mees Leesa knows how to swim if you get my drift. Lisa admits her housekeeper never works and she pays her for being her friend. (Did you not read about Schwarzenegger and his housekeeper? She was older, not cute and had no plastic surgery.) Herlerrr???
LEA & FREDA
Lea walks over to her elderly housekeeper Freda’s apartment on the grounds of her (spectacular) historic Coral Gables home. Lea does Freda’s hair with little braids. Lea asks Freda if she’s cleaning or doing laundry and Freda laughs and shakes her head “no!” They go down to the pool so Lea’s son RJ can teach Freda to swim. After watching Daysy and Freda, I realize I’m obviously doing something wrong. No one is giving me free plastic surgery, letting me live in a multi-million dollar manse for free, doing my hair before I splash about in the pool and also getting paid while not actually working for a living.
LEA & ELAINE
Blacks’ Annual gala: Lea holds a meeting at her home, three weeks away from the gala and drag diva Elaine Lancaster (James Davis) makes a grand entrance in full drag. When Lea announces she wants Elaine, her BFF, to walk the red carpet at the gala, Elaine replies that she couldn’t do it last year because “Marysol wouldn’t let me on the red carpet.”
Hold yer horses, little lady. What I know from covering society events (galas, fundraisers, etc) in Miami for over 16 years is that the only time someone is not allowed on a red carpet it’s because the client forbids it or it’s a security problem. A PR person would never take it upon themselves to ban anyone from a red carpet. It’s not their call. Especially not Elaine from the Blacks’ Gala red carpet since it’s a well-known fact that Elaine is Lea’s best pal. Plus, if anyone ever tried to ban Elaine from a red carpet – keep in mind, this is a man who in heels and a wig is over 7 feet tall – it’s because they inhaled bath salts. But especially ludicrous because everyone, I mean everyone knows Lea and Elaine are tight. It’s like someone at an Oprah Winfrey event not allowing her BFF Gail King to walk the red carpet. Just not gonna happen, honey.
LISA’S PRE-MYNT DINNER
Mynt nightclub, Romain Zago’s place, is celebrating it’s tenth anniversary so the ladies gather at Lisa Hochstein’s for a sushi dinner before they head out to “da club.” Marta starts whining that her ex-boyfriend “The DJ,” is going to be at Mynt and she’s not looking forward to it. So Joanna tells her to “not cause drama” at the Mynt party. (Marta dated the DJ at Mynt for several years and they broke up because he cheated on her.) Now ladies, have you not learned anything? It rarely works out in the long run with a nightclub DJ. He cheated on Marta. Big surprise. But then, continued the relationship with t-h-a-t girl. Ouchies. BTW that girl will absolutely get cheated on also so if anyone knows her, you’ll want to pull her aside and give her the heads up. Before someone gives the DJ a different kind of heads up. Yes, I went there.
Lisa comments about starting a family and Dr. Boobs says, “imagine if the child looked like me and had Lisa’s brains?” Seems to me she’s not stupid if she got him to marry her. Lisa also tells the screaming sisters, Joanna and Marta, that maybe they should not be living under the same roof. Sounds like brains to me.
AT DA CLUB
The ladies all go to Mynt for the tenth anniversary party where we learn from Romain that every time Joanna goes there she causes trouble. Notably, two years ago Romain tells the tale that Joanna threw tampons in the club. Tampons? (We get no explanation why). Marysol and Ana arrive at Mynt and as the night wears on Ana looks as if she missed a flight to Europe and is stuck at the airport for an indefinite amount of time.
Right on their designer heels come Elaine and Lea, with Elaine in full drag again. Now, I see the man behind Elaine, James Davis, out at a lot of events and he’s usually not in drag unless he’s hosting an event or performing on stage so I’ve found it odd that he’s been in drag in every scene so far. But hey, a girl has to preen for the cameras right!? As the champagne flows so do the insults and Elaine tears into Marysol accusing her of – again – keeping her from walking the red carpet at Lea’s gala and that it was “completely personal?” Why? Makes no sense. I’ve known Marysol Patton for over 14 years and although we haven’t seen eye-to-eye on several occasions, she just does not behave like that.
Could we blame editing for this total mixup? Here’s some background. Before the first season of RHOM, it was common knowledge in Miami that Elaine was going to be a cast member on Real Housewives because Elaine told everyone and got a lot of press on it. I remember Elaine’s posts on Facebook announcing it and I happily congratulated her because Elaine really is very witty and entertaining. Here’s an excerpt from one of the many interviews Elaine Lancaster did in various publications leading up to the first season of RHOM.
From the Miami New Times newspaper, October 29, 2010 By Stacey Russell
This fall, she’ll (Elaine Lancaster) appear on the new season of Bravo’s Real Housewives of Miami. So, before she starts on her new path of reality stardom, we sat down with the world famous drag queen to ask her about the super secret show…
However, according to an unnamed source who has insider knowledge, Bravo network execs “were not happy” about this. Elaine Lancaster in fact was not a cast member on the Real Housewives of Miami Season 1 so Bravo sent James Davis (the real man behind Elaine) legal papers asking him to stop alleging that he was on the show.
I believe the Red Carpet confusion in this episode — whether accidental or intentional — stems from the first Real Housewives of Miami Season 1 premiere party in 2011 and not the red carpet at the Blacks’ gala. Marysol Patton’s PR company, The Patton Group, volunteered and organized the first season’s premiere party at a Miami Beach hotel. According to a source who wishes to remain anonymous, when James Davis arrived at the premiere party, someone from Bravo network asked the PR company that James Davis not be allowed in because of the legal controversy. Call that “not walking the red carpet” if you will. So I’m eager to see how this plays out, aren’t you?
Stay tuned. There is definitely way more trouble in paradise!
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